Blurred Perfection. 68: Funeral.

Hi guys! Sorry about not posting for a few days, I've been babysitting and trying to get some things done. But I'll be able to post now!

*YOUR POV*

I'd been standing in the mirror for over an hour now. I gracefully brushed my hair, not wanting to move and leave this room. My <http://www.polyvore.com/black_day/set?id=75274119> outfit was all black, nothing like I'd worn before. I dreaded this day, when i had to wear this outfit. I felt tears swelling up in my eyes, but they were quickly brushed away when I heard Justin's footsteps behind me. I knew that he understood my crying when I did cry, but I always hated for him to see me like this. I wanted to look strong, I needed to be strong... I turned to see Justin standing in a black suit, he looked nice and dressy. He slowly shuffled his feet across the floor, moving closer to me.

"Are you sure you can handle this?" he asked.

I nodded slightly as he held my fragile hands in his strong ones. My body was weak, and I felt more pain than usual today. Sometimes it hasn't been there, I could get my mind off of it, but it was always there in the back of my mind. I grabbed Justin's hand as he led me out of the room, down the stairs, and out to his car.

It was bright and early in the morning, we were the first to arrive at the funeral home. The feeling of death surrounded me, I could just feel it. I stepped inside and the cold air hit me hard. I took a step back and regained my balance.

"Are you okay?" Justin said, grabbing my arm to make sure I was stable.

"Yeah, l-let's keep going." I quietly said.

We made our way forward to another room. The doors were opened by the man in front of us, he led us inside and stood his ground by the doors. I stood with Justin, at the back row of the room, as far away from the casket as I could get. I let go of Justin's hand and made my way up the long path towards it. I wanted to be alone, yet I knew I couldn't. My heart was beating rapidly in my chest as I got closer, the casket getting bigger in my eyes with each step.

As I stood in front of the closed casket, the blood from my arms and face completely drained. I wanted no more than anything, to be out of this room and to go back to Justin's. I felt like this wasn't right, this shouldn't be happening. Of course I couldn't just leave my ow mothers funeral, but I didn't want to stay. I felt shivers down my spine as Justin's arm brushed mine when he stood next to me. I could feel that he attempted to put his arm around me, but he quickly moved away.

"(YN)? Is that you?" I heard a voice echo throughout the room as I turned around.

"Grandma Sandy?" I said, turning around and making my way back down the path.

I hadn't seen my grandma for 10 years. She hugged me tight and we stayed hugging as tears came from both of us. I didn't expect the next time I'd see my grandma, to be at my mom's funeral. We talked and I tried cheering her up, she seemed more broken than me. And I was broken to pieces, pieces that you just couldn't put together again.

"It's just... you never want to out live your child, it's hard." she sobbed.

We sat down together in the front with Justin on my right and my grandmother on my left. As people arrived, I greeted them with barely-smiles and handshakes. They all said things like 'I'm sorry for your loss' and 'your mother was a great person'. I just smiled and nodded. I wasn't up for listening to all these annoying people, I was in too much pain. And I definitely didn't want to talk to all these people. It was already hard enough to smile and pretend that I was okay, let alone talk about it.

The service started and the man at the front began speaking and I instantly felt the tears come, without him even mentioning my mom. It was just the fact that this was real. My mom had actually passed away and I had to deal with it. About 10 minutes into the service, after people began paying their condolences, I stood up and started walking away.

"Baby." Justin said, grabbing my arm.

I pulled away and turned to him. I could see the pain in his eyes, for me, but I didn't care. I ran out of the room, making an obvious scene as everyone turned my way to look. I sat down on a bench just outside of the doors and began crying. I had to grieve alone, in that room with all those people was not the place to be. Justin came out and sat next to me, putting his arm around me and pulling me closer. I buried my face into his tux, which soaked up my tears immediately. 

"Please don't make me go back in there. I can't sit there and pretend like I'm okay. I'm not Justin!" I sobbed.

"I won't. I promise, you don't have to go back."

When the service was over, we all had to head to the cemetery, were the burial was taking place. But before they took the casket out of the funeral home, I went back in alone.

I saw the casket at the other end of the room, it was completely silent. I slowly made my way towards it, being tougher this time. When I approached it, I looked down to see my mother, with her hands on her chest, and her beautiful dress on. She looked so graceful.

I couldn't help but tear up again and fall to the floor. I felt nothing standing in this room. I just began to scream, I had to let it out.

"Why'd you leave me mom?!" I yelled.

I sat on the floor, like a little kid, screaming for my mom. And I would've stayed there but Justin ran up to me and grabbed my arm, yanking me off of the floor Nd pulling me into his arms. I hit his chest, wanting to get away, but I really just wanted to be held. I stopped hitting him and rested my head on his chest.

"Sh, sh, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay." He said quietly.

We stood outside in the cold breezy air. Justin held me as we watched the casket being buried in the ground, flowers neatly on top. When it disappeared beneath the surface, my heart sunk seemed to sink down with it, once again. I let go, and Justin had to catch me because I couldn't hold myself up. Justin held me and everybody turned their attention to us as I fainted in his arms...

What do you think?! Leave some comments!

-Ana.